FERMINA

Dear Marciano,

Today marks the first death anniversary of your great grandmother, Lola Fermina. I can vividly remember that night of last year when Lola Nanay Myrna had to deliver the news of Lola Nanay Fermina passing away.

It was raining hard then, as if the heaven was mourning as well. You were asleep and I was wide awake trying to pick-up the details of the conversation Lola Nanay Myrna was having on the phone. I don't know exactly who's on the other line, but I know that they're giving updates about Lola Fermina's status as she was rushed in the hospital that day. That's what I've been doing the whole night, trying to eavesdrop because I don't have the courage to ask. I am ashamed of myself for not being there for Lola Fermina. I feel like that I don't have the right to know anything because I am not contributing to anything at all. I cannot explain it, but on that night, it feels like I'm prepared for the worst news to come. I was still hoping for the best until Lola Nanay Myrna opened the door to our room, looked me in the eye and said "Abby, wala na si Nanay." while trying to control her emotions.

I just stared at her. I didn't stand up and hug her. I didn't tell her that maybe it was for the best. I just let her be because as much as I wanted to comfort her, I believe I have to comfort myself first before I have to be strong for her. I didn't let myself feel until she closed the door and left. I cried Marciano, I cried so hard that night until I ran out of tears. I cried because I did not get the chance to say goodbye and tell her the things I've been wanting to say until I get to see her again. I cried because I wasn't able to fulfill my promise to her. I cried because you won't be able to know her. (The last time we were there, she told us that because you were named after her father we don't get to be mad at you. That it is not appropriate to be mad at MARCIANO. You could have been spoiled to rotten if you came a little bit earlier in our lives.) I cried and I cried and promised myself, that will be the first and last time I will cry for her death.

We went to Nueva Ecija the next day and stayed their until her burial. I stayed true to my promise Marciano, I did not cry. I did not let myself feel any negativity towards losing her. The first time I saw her, it hurts badly. My heart aches knowing that I won't be rewarded by her excited smile because I was there and visiting her. I set aside my selfishness and thought that maybe, this is what she wanted after all, to finally be able to rest in peace. Then I kind of feel relieved because I know that she's on her way to being with Lolo Edong again. She's free from pain and of the dark. No more false hopes, no more insecurities, no more disappointments. I know that she's on her way to getting all the things she deserve after loving us all here on Earth. And with that, I have peacefully accepted the fact that I may lost her here on Earth, but I gained another angel in heaven.

Taken before I have to leave for Bulacan after a week long stay in Nueva Ecija.

Back in 2009, after passing the Board Exam, Lola Fermina was rushed to the hospital and was admitted straight to ICU due to complications in her lungs. I was luckily allowed to stay by her side in the ICU, I stayed by her side until we were allowed to go home. Unfortunately, coming home means coming home to Lolo Edong's funeral. We lost him while Lola Fermina was on her way to recovery. We believe that Lolo Edong thought that Lola will not be able to make it then so he allowed depression to overcome his will to live. I lied to Lola when she asked why is everybody in the hospital yet they're not inside her room most of the time. I just keep on telling her to rest so we can finally be home.

December 27, 2009.
My first birthday as an engineer and one grandparent less.
P.S. : We woke up like that :)

A lot of things had happened then, we tried to be there on every special occasions. We even came home to tell her that I was pregnant because I know she'll be excited for me as well. She looked livelier and more positive. She gained weight, always in a new hair color, haircut and polished nails. She had a lot of stories to share and she never failed to repeat the story of our stay in the hospital. That was her way of showing gratitude and I always tell her that I would do it again in a heartbeat but I don't want her to be in the hospital again.

Everything was fine until the cataract operation she had undergone to caused an implication and made her lose her eyesight. This is when all started to fall down, it started with one eye until darkness is all she can see. She even asked me to bring her to a new specialist because she feels like her current doctor is not effective anymore. So to the new doctor we go. It was then that we were told that the damage was severe enough and there is nothing that we can do to bring her eyesight back.

She wakes up and sleeps in darkness Marciano, that's why I cannot blame her for wishing for the eternal peace. For the last few months of her life, she only wanted the light but we were not able to give it to her. Her will to live became less and less as day goes by. Until the 13th of August came, and all worries and pain were taken away.

I will forever be sad that she wasn't able to see you and you will never be able to remember her, but for all the love she have given me while she was alive, it was enough to last us a lifetime. We will remember the life she lived and cherish her as our guardian angel guiding us always in all ways.

Love,

Nanay